2.2.2010 – Dream and Reflection

DREAM: Night of 2-2-2010 (morning Dream)

I was with a guy and a girl and we got into a car ( I don’t remember what preceded this) and I started to drive off. They said that we were going to this other place and I needed to turn around, I said, no, we are going – here (this other place) – and they insisted that it was the other, so I said, okay, I’ll turn around up here. Just up the street was a rotary (round-about) and I started around it. I was going a little fast, so I said to everyone to “hold on!”. It was fun and then as I got around to go back the way I came, I was going to fast and ended up on the grass driving along the street. I was going to fast and was having a hard time getting back on to the road. I noticed a cop on the other side of the road with it’s lights on (it was a divided road and he was on the opposite side), but no one pulled over. I thought that he must have just finished pulling someone over and if he sees me, he will come after me because I am driving on the grass. I still couldn’t get over to the road and as we passed the cop I looked at him to see if he saw me and he did; he pointed angrily for me to pull over. I slowed a little and tossed stopping or going. I knew he couldn’t just turn around and come after me, so that would give me time to get ahead and maybe get away. I decided to get away. Slowing down, allowed me to back on the road and I drove into a town area. I was not speeding anymore, so that if he did catch me, he couldn’t give me a speeding ticket too. I was looking for a good street to turn down that he might not catch me on. I passed a few streets, some with traffic lights and some just streets; and then decided to go down this one – it had a traffic light I think. As I turned down it, there were 3 or 4 cars ahead of me and there were big trash cans covering most of the street and trash and stuff all over. You could get around the trash to the left which was a little longer or to the right, which cut a little out. I went to the right, and as I passed the trash, I saw that I could cut ahead of the other cars -it felt like they were going to hold me up or back and I would be stuck behind them it felt like they were going to hold me up or back and I would be stuck behind them – if I sped up which I did. I kind of cut of the first car a little, but managed to get ahead of them and started up the road – it was a big hill – and it was going in the same direction now that I was going originally, before I turned around on the rotary. As I drove up, it slowly turned into a hard packed dirt road, getting steeper and steeper. It got so steep that I wasn’t sure we would be able to make it. I was leaning forward in my seat (like it would help with traction). I could feel (see) the wheels slipping a little. Then they caught traction again and the hill started to get less steep and it was a little easier. I could see the top, but woke up before getting there.

REFLECTION:
I felt as I awoke that the cop was an aspect that was trying to get me back on track. And, after looking at it more… I wonder why if he was there to point out my mistake, why I felt so strongly that I needed to get away from him. Maybe it was fear of facing myself. Then with further reflection it seems that he was telling me to stop in a way that “would get me in trouble”. As in something in my world that would force me to stop – like a stroke

After talking about it with my mom that morning, it was pretty wild to see some of the symbolism so clearly. I was heading to where I knew to go and the people with me convinced me to go the other way – not listening to our inner knowing and allowing others or other aspects of ourselves to dissuade us from going in the direction we know we need to be going in; causing more obstacles and challenges.

Obviously, when I turned around, going to fast (not taking the time to go clearly/rushing) I got off the road. Even thought the road was in the opposite direction, I couldn’t even stay on the road part.

Slowing down offered a little sight and clarity and I was able to get back on the road and start looking for a different direction. I was able to see what I was doing and maek eforts to find my way back.

The road I chose was full of crap that I had to get around – how appropriate is that! Often when we get off track, it takes going through a lot of “Crap” to find our way back.

I chose “right” and was able to get ahead of the cars that were holding me back (other people or situations that I need to work around).

By turning “right” again after the trash, I was finally heading back in the direction I was going originally before I allowed myself to be swayed into turning around. (I had found my way back towards where I needed to be heading al along.

And this time,the road was much more difficult (steep and slippery dirt). And with perseverance and determination, I could make it through and I could see that it was going to get easier as the road became less slippery and the hill became less steep and I was able to see the crest. By not giving up or in and staying true to our beings, we can overcome our obstacles and make our way back to where we are heading…

The challenging roads are sometimes the greatest gift as the growth and experience that we gain from such ventures allows us that much more clarity. And, it is always a choice we have. It can be an easy road… And, I have yet to meet anyone who has learned the easy way consistently We thrive on challenges and obstacles. They give us a sense of accomplishment and achievement.

May you all be blessed with foresight, clarity and love on YOUR journeys.

Dream: January 21, 2010

DREAM: Night of January 21st, 2010
I had a very telling dream last night… Much of it, mostly the part before this, is lost to the haze of waking and the really telling part is here…
I was with a couple of people at night, on the streets of France pushing a shopping cart. We walked past a night club like place. The girl I was with wanted to go in. I told her that we would go to this other club on the other side of town – it was a different kind of place and felt like it was somewhere important to go. There was a huge line of people waiting to get in; the line was on the opposite side of the street from the club. It was really dark and hard to make out any faces and yet I could see the street just fine. I started walking down the street which was on a hill. I was doing spins with the shopping cart; someone yelled to do a 360 or something. I was having fun sliding and spinning the cart down the street. The shopping cart was very easy to manipulate as though it was a part of me or something. I could somehow control the cart to the point that even as the hill got really steep and as I was sliding sideways towards a big intersection and I had a way to dig into the street and slow down. I stopped at the bottom a little surprised that I was so easily able to stop. I headed off to the right, pushing my cart effortlessly. It soon grew very dark and I was now in the woods; all around me and I was by myself – I do not know what happened to the girl I was with. As I got further into the woods the road became dirt and it was complete wilderness. Very overgrown, the path blurring a bit. I said to myself I should fly, it will be easier and I said I am dreaming so why not? And then I lifted into the air, with the shopping cart, and started flyer towards wherever it was I was heading; I am not sure where my destination was anymore, it felt like a town, or a place, maybe the club still? It felt like it was important to get there. I thought the shopping cart would be a burden that I would have to hang onto and drag it as it hung limp in the air, but instead it flew with me and I pushed it through the air like one would push a shopping cart on the ground. It was effortless and as light as I was. All I could see around me and as far as I could see was the very faint outline of the road/trail I was following and green forest. I flew a little while and then suddenly started to fall. I could not figure out why I stopped flying. At this point I had lost the lucidity and was just a regular dream. I was falling from a great height and was sure I was going to die when I hit the ground as I was falling fast. I landed softly and was okay. My shopping cart seemed messed up or gone then. There were two guards there that I landed near and they caught/stopped me. The main guard said that I had to die now because I landed there. There was an animal habitat full of what seemed to be alligators or crocodiles on one side of us. I asked the guard why I would have to die just because landed there? It was not my fault, it was an accident and he said, I am sorry that is just the way it is. He said you can go into the animal area and have them get you or I will just behead you and be done with it. Before I answered, he said to look at this small square thing across the way. It was like a building, but more like a statue or obelisk. I asked if we could look at it and since I was going to die anyway, what would a few minutes matter? He said okay and I thought that it might present me with an opportunity to get away. As we walked towards it, we had to go through a building and as we entered, these black rabbits came out and were trying to distract the guard so that I could get away. One was trying to get the guard to hold it and cuddle with it. It wasn’t working and the guard started to try to kill the rabbits. He used this freeze spray on one and it turned into dust. The rabbits were trying to hide and he kept finding them and killing them; they were like frozen and he was using something to shatter them.
This is where I awoke. I don’t know if I got away or not. I am sure there is more to this. My initial impression was that I am in a state of flux, between being light, open and “flying”/spiritually free; to being stuck in the world and heavy, unable to let go to fly. I am pondering the shopping cart and it feels significant, especially as it was so easy to fly with, to control and move with. I don’t think it was “baggage” because I don’t feel that I have reached a point of accepting my baggage THAT well . It had a few things in it as I think about it. i don’t remember what except there was a brown paper bag with something in it. That I could fly with it so easily… I don’t know… any ideas?

I spoke to a mouse today

I spoke to a mouse today. He had much to teach me. A silhouette on a golden wall. Peering. Waiting. For me to listen. I kept getting distracted by a world whizzing by. Concerned with what those around me were thinking and feeling. Were they pondering my thoughts? Were they feeling what I felt? Distracted for a moment…

Excuse me, while I return to this learned teacher…

“Dear noble mouse, please share your wisdom.” I implored. “What have you learned from you turbulent and peril filled life?” “Will you allow me a glimpse from my all to often blind humanness?” I ask.

The mouse says to me “Be here with me now. Pay not attention to the world around you. It does what it does and will continue to do so. Stay with me here and I will share.” He stated with conviction. “What does a mouse do?” He asks. “He scuttles about, looking for food; hiding from the multitude of perils”. I reply. “No” says he. “That is what you do… We mice go about our lives, not hiding… We face countless perils, yes, and we accept those. If I end up as an owls feast, I have fulfilled part of the divine purpose and I have been a gift and a blessing to another. It is perfect and I do not hide from it. I accept what is and go forth gathering and providing. I act…” He shares passionately. He asks me, “What do you do? Do you go forth with purpose and trust in the divine nature; the divine plan?” “No”, I reply. “Why is that” he asks emphatically? “Because I am afraid of what is out there. I cannot see what is coming around the corner. I do not want to be eaten. I … I… I see what you are saying…” I humbly utter. He adds, “There are always obstacles, always perils to face. Our time is short and precious. Go forth, follow the path before you. Sight is an illusion. There are no guarantees of what is around the next bend. Trust in your own divinity.”

He is wise, that caricature looking at me from across the room… The turns we take may not always be the easiest ones. And, we may falter and get hurt, perhaps even die. Do you want to reflect at the end on how much you did not do? Of the chances you did not take?

Step forward into the unknown and trust in the divine… You are meant to be here, right now. The pain, the joy are there to guide you, to help you choose the right path for you.

All is perfect… Trust…

A learned Mouse

Life is about the journey, not the destination…

It is something we often talk about and that we quote in one way or another, often. And yet, it seems to be one that we also often set aside for the conveniences of life, for the business of life. How often do we really and truly stay in the moment, not thinking about the outcome? When we go out, we go out with an intention. When we start our days, we start them with an intention. When we sit down on a project, we sit down with an intention. We have been blessed with this amazing power called the “power of intention”. This power allows us to be the masters of our experiences. To create, to truly be the creators of our realities; the writers of the story as it were. There has been a tremendous amount of teachings, especially in the last few years, about “manifesting”. About consciously creating the things and experiences we want out of life. Taking control of our destinies. It is such a liberating and empowering feeling to awaken to the forgotten knowledge of our personal power to create. It can also be kind of scary to realize that our lives are our responsibility, our experiences are our creations.
I sat with my two year old nephew yesterday coloring; he loves to color! I caught myself many times thinking about the picture and what it would look like,; focused on coloring to make it look like this or that. One of the coloring books requires a special marker that only colors pre-set parts of the page. So that the picture appears as you use the special markers. I sat there coloring, focusing on the drawing and what it would look like and finding the parts of the page that would show up. My nephew could care less! It was all about me, sitting there with him, sharing time together and running the markers across the page. The fact that parts of pictures popped up was as by-product of the process. He is totally absorbed in the moment (another catch phrase, “the moment”). Children are such wonderful and magical teachers, when we allow ourselves to listen and pay attention. The picture books are not about what they look like or what pictures will be created, it is the process of creating, of what we are doing at that moment and paying close attention to who we are doing it with, of really being there and enjoying. Creation is a by-product of the process. The magic lies within the process.
It is our birthright to be creators. It is also easy to get caught up in what we are creating and lose track of the actual process. What is it that you want in your world, that you do not already have? We all can think of things. And that is also part of the process. OUr next task is to make sure to enjoy the process, the journey. For, truly, there are no destinations. There are only scenic overlooks along the road of life. The road keeps going, with or without us. Be magical creators and create magic in your life all the while, paying attention to the process and enjoying the scenery along the way.
May your journey be filled with love and endless magical moments that inspire and fill your heart with joy.

Step

I took a step
I feel the air rushing fast
I closed my eyes
Let the wind rush past
I let it all go
As the world flies by
Falling upwards
The droplets from my eyes
Hands open up
Waiting for a reply
One more look
and it all goes goodbye

Originally Posted: 6/16/2008

Parenting – 5/8/2009

Thoughts on parenting…

The more I explore, the more complex (yet simple) parenting seems to get.. We are all products of our upbringing and the world around us. As author of “The mastery of Love”, Don Miguel Ruiz calls it; we are domesticated as we grow up… As parents, we (hopefully) endeavor to not make the same mistakes our parents made, to take things up a notch as it were.

Parenting is the greatest and most challenging gift there is. We are responsible for someone else that is completely reliant upon us; for everything. No matter what, we are never ready for it,no matter what we may think. It is never what we expected. It is frustrating and calming at the same time. It evokes every emotion imaginable and yet, no mater how we feel, there is always that pure and truly unconditional love. We can be furious and we still love our little ones with all our hearts and souls. One of the biggest challenges is to not let our issues be our children’s issues. Many times, I have caught myself feeling crappy and over-reacting to something and then having to back pedal… What we are going through is NOT their issue. It is our issue and they have no way to discern between them and bills that need paying, a crappy boss, bad traffic or whatever other worldly issue we are going through. If we are feeling crappy and we take it out on them, then they simply think they are “bad” for wanting attention, for wanting love. Yes, we are allowed to feel and yeas, we are allowed to have bad days. It is our job to separate that from parenting – that is challenging… Children, when very young, know only that they love you and want to share love with you. If they spill something on the carpet, they are not maliciously doing it. They are playing and following their joy. It is up to us to find positive ways to set boundaries based upon love.

The more I explore, I realize that our job is to guide, not to rule. It is to share and love. Provide boundaries with compassion and openness. It is a balancing act and it is daunting as hell. There is no secret… Love them, pay attention to them, treat them like people, not kids. Teach by example, by being everything that we wish to instill in them. On so many occasions I have been reminded by my son of things that I have endeavored to teach him.

Our world is crazy and the truth is that a large portion of the people out there are living in the ego, are caught up in the race, in finding something to make them happy. Kids are exposed to so much these days, so quickly. So many of the kids out there are also caught up in the superficial.. I see my son bounce between two worlds and I know it will be challenging for him, to feel differently, to think differently, to be different… I had a rough time as a kid – I was very different, very empathetic and feeling oriented and a “Franz” in a world of Bob’s, Fred’s & John’s (not a judgement, just a metaphor). I can see similar qualities in my son and as a friend said to me, why would I want my son to not to experience those things, because look at who you are today? We cannot save our children from pain… We are not here to protect them from life, but to guide them and love them through it, so that they may discover for themselves, the amazing and divine being that they are. I guess that we all need to discover that… Staying present is imperative… And, it is okay to take care of ourselves, to do things that bring us joy and that we desire, for if we are not taking care of ourselves, there is no way that we can take care of them. As in all relationships, we must love and accept ourselves, in order to love and accept another… They need us and in order for us to give, we must be in a state of love. A daunting and beautiful task. One in which we learn as much as we teach (if not more). Enjoy each and every moment. Be as they are and remember what it felt like when you were a child. Allow them to be children and allow yourself to be a child with them. Grow and learn together. Explore life together. Love together.

Originally Posted: 5/8/2009

What Do People Think About at 4:02am? – 4/29/2009

Who knows where this one will lead I woke up about an hour ago, tossed and turned for awhile, then finally gave in and got up. I made myself an English Muffin (with peanut butter of course and now am sitting here writing. I don’t wake up like this very often and I am not sure that I want it to be a habit… There is nothing weighing on my mind, I feel good and I should be tired as I did a lot of bike riding yesterday… My shoulder is pretty sore still but that is not a big deal either… it’s been sore for weeks It hasn’t impeded my sleeping yet..

So what better to do at 4:02am than write While I was lying in bed, tossing and turning, I was thinking about the Kelly Clarkson concert that my band, Crashing At Dawn will be performing at. As exciting as it is, I am not all bubbling about it. It “should” be a huge deal! I am excited to play in front of thousands of people and at the same time it is just another moment in life and to me,they are all exciting and amazing and wonderful… I got to thinking about perceptions and how we look at people differently based upon how we perceive them. Look at our fascination with “stars”. They are people just like you and I and yet, we place this huge air of importance and superiority on them. They are put upon pedestals and made to be larger than life. We are all larger than life We are all amazing, beautiful and divine beings. Each and every one of us… From the dirty, smelly, toothless, homeless person to the richest cleanest super star to the tranquil and peaceful monk, to the factory worker looking for a job in Michigan and on and on – I think you get the point Granted, it is more challenging on some than in others to see their beauty and their divinity.. That is only because of our conditioning to label and judge. It is beat into us from the moment we are born. Luckily, we get a few good years to love unconditionally and not see anything based upon race, creed, religion, sexual orientation or appearance of any kind. When we are very small and usually up until we are 5 or 6 even, we see everyone as human beings. We have no labels and no judgments. Sure there are some that we don;t like or don;t feel comfortable around and that is only based upon a gut level feeling – it has nothing to do with what they look like or any other “label” that the world places upon them. That is natural – not everyone is going to get along with everyone and we don;t need to… Some people will resonate with us and others won’t and that is perfect just as it is. So what happens to those beautiful, innocent children? As Don Miguel Ruiz puts is, we get domesticated. I like that term and the way he puts it (although, to me, he likes to say the same thing in too many different ways). Our parents, our teachers and the media all beat it into us, how we are supposed to look at the world and how we are supposed to label everything – this is good and this is bad… This is right and this is wrong. Everything has a label, everything must be categorized… I personally liked it better when I just loved unconditionally and that is what I strive to do once again. To find that space of innocence, where I can look at every human being and see that beautiful, innocent and loving child that is there, always has been there and always will be there. We all just need to remember. To realize again that every person out there was once a beautiful baby, and happy and adorable, playful child. Every single one of us. We are all born as pure loving beings and we are all born in a state of joy.

My challenge to you is, the next time you look at someone and start to call them this, that or the other (choose your label, be it a jerk, a murderer a religious fanatic, a politician, a cop, a robber, a dirty bum, a whatever with whatever negative connotation you use), take a moment and look at that person and visualize them as a baby or young child, laughing, gurgling and bubbling with all the cuteness and love that is a child. We were all there once before and we WILL all be there again, when we re-awaken to the divine beauty that is within us all.

That’s what I think about at 4:02am… and now. I will sleep again. I will dream about you and I will see you for the beautiful and divine being that you are. I will love you unconditionally and I will thank you for the gift that you bring to the world…

Originally Posted: 4/29/2009

Relationships – 4/21/2009

I have been reading a lot lately about relationships. Of all sorts. Not just of the romantic variety. It keeps popping up in so many places. I have been looking at my relationships; past and present and looking at the dynamics of them. What made them work or not work? It is interesting how we human beings relate to one another; or rather how we do not relate to one another. The expectations, the assumptions, the thinking we know someone and what they think and/or feel. We really don’t have a clue as to what is going on within another person. As much as we think we do know someone or understand them, we DON’T! The second we believe that we “know” someone, we step into a quagmire of delusions. This is part of the insanity that we perpetuate and it is time to shift from trying to figure out others and trying to fix others, to focusing on ourselves, to finding completeness within. For it is only through being complete within ourselves that we can truly have a loving relationship with another human being.

One book I read recently talked about two halves coming together to form a whole… I thought about that and came to the conclusion, that if either person is not complete unto themselves, they will be looking to the other person to complete them. That is putting your happiness into someone else’s hands. How could that ever work. Not matter what, if you are relying on someone else to fulfill or complete you or make you feel anything, then you are setting yourself up for disappointment. How can another human being make you happy? Sure, you can feel happy being around someone. Then what happens when they do something that you do not like? All of a sudden, you are not happy and it is their fault. Something as inane as leaving the toilet seat up! Now you have gone against my expectations and I am upset. Now your actions are contrary to what I think makes me happy. Even when we speak our expectations, we are saying it is someone else’s responsibility to be everything we expect in order for us to stay happy. And that is compounded by both sides having theses expectations and needs and wants. No person can ever be everything that someone else wants and envisions them to be. From this approach, all relationships are doomed – sure, some will last longer than others, as some people are able to allow more pain to pile onto themselves than others. Some even give up altogether and bury themselves into the other person to the point of losing themselves completely.

We carry emotional garbage with us into every situation and every relationship. A lifetime’s worth. Given to us by our family, our friends, our teachers, the media, everywhere. We are expected to be like “this” or like “that”. We can’t do that, we can’t do this. You must act and do this, this way or you are wrong. From the time we are small children we are pushed towards being what someone else wants us to be, what they expect us to be. As small children, we take in this garbage and internalize it, making it part of ourselves and then transfer that to every future relationship we have. And the cycle continues and grows.
We all have this innate desire for love, to be loved. We want to feel close to another human being, to be accepted, cared for, adored, cherished and desired. We feel so lacking in love because we are full of a lifetime’s worth of garbage and we become desperate for something to fulfill us, to make that garbage go away. Then we meet someone who we think matches our wants and we are filled with these intense feelings. The world suddenly revolves around this other person. What do you think happens when that person does something outside of our desires or expectations?

True love, is unconditional. It has no expectations, wants or desires. It is simply and purely love; as is. Is it possible to love someone else like that when we do not love ourselves like that? We human beings are so critical of ourselves and the world around us. We look in the mirror and find fault. We look at our lives and find fault. We look at our relationships and find fault. We find fault everywhere around us. Only from a state of wholeness within, can a truly unconditional love be possible. There is nothing outside of ourselves that can or ever will fulfill us. Nothing outside of us will ever give us the love we desire. That love, only comes from within. It is already there, it has never left, it has merely been covered over by a lifetimes worth of garbage. Now is the time to clean out our temples and let the light of love shine from within and shine out to the world.

When we walk down the street, we look at the people around us and instantly place them into a category. This person is attractive, they could be a potential partner. This person looks like “x”. We constantly are evaluating people based upon what we think we can get from them. No, it is usually not conscious, yet a lot of the time it is. It is that part within us that feels empty or alone, that desires. And again, it goes beyond the romantic. We look at people all of the time and determine what kind of person they are based upon what they are wearing, how they speak, what kind of car they drive, their hair style. We are judging. I do not know a single person, including myself that does not judge. It is not a matter of right or wrong, it is a matter of being aware of how we are interacting with the world around us, what signals and energy we are sending out. The world wants us to judge, to label and to categorize everything and everyone around us. It is how we think we need to function in order to maintain the “order” that we think is necessary. It all stems from a sense of lack within. For, what would be the point be in labeling anything if we felt completely at ease and unconditional love for ourselves? There would be no need to compare or judge. If we are whole and truly content with ourselves, what others do, say, dress like or act like, would not effect our happiness. We would still choose who to share with and not to share with. Those that did not feel empowering to be with, would simply move on to somewhere else without any negative impact on us. That driver that cut you off, would simply be someone that would pass on by. The rude clerk at the checkout, would be someone who you could simply smile warmly at and leave behind. The friend who back stabbed you, would simply no longer be a friend. All drama would disappear for you would not be a participant, you would be whole and content from within.

The first step towards change is to be aware of our thoughts. Be aware of what we are sending out, what we are thinking about others and ourselves. Especially ourselves. It is easy at this point, to get caught up in a vicious cycle. I had a judgmental thought about so and so… crap, I screwed up again and all of a sudden we are beating up ourselves inflicting and piling more garbage on ourselves; we are judging ourselves. Yes, it is important to be aware and to change our thoughts towards the positive and loving and it is equally important to be accepting of ourselves and others as we/they are. Acknowledge that you are who, and what you are, and that others are who, and what they are. We are all on a journey of discovery and where we are is perfect for each of us inour own way. Stay aware and stay accepting and gentle. We have spent a lifetime building up this garbage and it will take more than a few days, weeks and maybe even years to clean it all up. One step at a time. One loving thought at a time. One kind gesture at a time. One gentle touch at a time. Find fulfillment from within. Reawaken the divine love within and realize that you are already whole and complete. Reawaken the knowledge that there is nothing outside of you that you need to feel happiness and joy. From this state of love from within, relationships become empowering to both people. We love for the beauty that is within each other, for the joys we share, for the time we spend, for the pure unconditional-ness of being with another human being.

Originally Posted: 4/21/2009

New Thoughts and a Dream – 4/4/2009

This one has stuck with me for a couple of days ow. I have not written in a longtime and there are many reasons for that. Most significantly, I have been wrapped up in other aspects of my world; which in turn have caused me to allow myself to slowly become more and more associated with those aspects. I have been neglecting the aspects of balance – even though at the time, I thought I was heading in the right direction. Slowly, I was feeling more and more run down and having a harder time recuperating from my musical endeavors. I had an epiphany the other night coming home from a show. It was a really late show and I was feeling really down. I did a bit of personal writing which at this time I am not read yot share… There are many things simmering and I need time to put myself back on track… It was a pivotal moment and I am thankful that I was able to listen without putting myself through another stroke or worse Now, with a renewed sense of myself and a new course that is much more open, I am slowly feeling back in balance. I know many challenges await and even tougher decisions… I hope I am up to the task… as soon as we think we’ve got it, is when we least “have it”. For there is not “getting it”. One cannot “get it”, one can only “be it”. I feel rather silly and embarrassed and thankful all wrapped up in one…

It is all so open ended now… What do I do? There is this wide open space in front of me, without any defined course, without any definite plans.. How do I traverse this course without a plan? Isn’t that what we are supposed to do? Plan? Set goals? Set intentions? Maybe the intentions we are setting are only intentions of the ego, which in of themselves are not bad, they are just not necessarily in alignment with out higher selves. So, now, I am standing, naked to the universe, following what I can only call intuition – no, because right now, I don’t have any strong feelings about what to do – I only know that what I was doing, was taking me down a path of hardship, a path of increasing challenge. So I guess I am following with my heart, hoping that the clues will be visible enough for me to see, audible enough for me to listen and tangible enough for me to feel my way through…

In this dream I had Thursday night; I felt at last that I had stopped fighting.. I had just finished reading “Sacred” Journey of the Peaceful Warrior” for the second time – if you have not read this book, it is an amazing, powerful and soul touching journey that will leave you crying, smiling, laughing and feeling alive and hopeful. I had also just started reading a book called “The Shack” which is another powerful story. Anyhoo, in my dream, I was swimming in a large river with Daylan, Maggie and some friends of ours, Jamie and Amy. The river was very clear. I grabbed a fish and showed it to Jamie more as a “look at this” than seriously about using it for food; it was black though and dying and I let it go again quickly as he said, “Nah”. Jamie and I were looking at a photo book with pictures of houses along the river and I pointed out a house that I really wanted. It was only accessible form a dock in the river as it sat on an island. Jamie looked at it and I explained that it was not the prettiest house, but it was spacious and something about it just called to me. It was weathered looking – solid and well built, and weathered looking. Rather boxy and somehow majestic looking at the same time… We kept down down the river, with the flow. The waters were, in the middle, darker and a bit more turbulent and closer to the shore, were very smooth and clear – I could see way down deep into the water and I noticed far below a prehistoric predatory fish – it was huge, with it’s long, narrow jaw with rows of razor sharp teeth – I had a very brief moment of concern (not scared or fearful) and then something or someone said – a narrator it seems said, that the fish was not interested in me or us, it was feeding off of the fish and at that moment it caught a large fish in it’s jaws and swam away underneath us. It too was very black looking.. We kept going down the river – at one point I was thinking about how to make it back up the river and then said to myself that I would figure that out when we need to – I knew it would be a tough swim to go back up and then I let it go.. and finally we came to a house which we entered. Inside was a table with a guest book. I picked up the guest book and said to Jamie – we forgot to sign this last time we were here! We looked through it and Maggie found my name written twice – just my first name in a signature that did not look like mine and next to the second entry of my name was another name next to it. It was a girls name – I can’t remember what it was – it was not a name I recognized. Then I woke up…

It struck me that I had finally let go and was allowing myself to go with the current of life – to me, the waters being so clear implies cleared thoughts and feelings. Although I am not sure why the waters were darker in the middle, possibly there are stil something at the heart that need clearing up… The fish struck me as people, as humanity, with the prehistoric predator symbolizing fear and the things that we human beings get so caught up, allowing ourselves to be eaten up by it – being caught by it. The black, dying fish are all those people that have allowed the dark waters to overcome them, that have lost touch with their inner divinity and have died to the love of source.

I fee that there is much here and much that I am not sure about. I did feel that I was finding my way back again… finding the flow. We shall see where it leads as once again, the winds of change are blowing, strongly. I can feel them – new adventures await. Let’s hope this time I am aware enough to listen the first time and not force myself to create major challenges to push me back on track…

Originally Posted: 4/4/2009

My Band – 2/24/2009

It has been a long time since I have written… I have been absorbed with band stuff. So, here is a plug for all things band!

1- On my music page is a music player with some songs of my bands. The more plays we get, the more points we get on ReverbNation ( a major music site) and hence the higher our ranking.

2- Check out our MySpace page and add us as a friend: http://www.myspace.com/crashingatdawnrocks

3- Search and add us on FaceBook! Crashing At Dawn

4- Join our mailing list to be updated with new songs, videos and shows!

5- SPREAD THE WORD!

Thank you and I will get back to writing!

Peace and harmony to you.

In love and gratitude,

Franz~

Originally Posted: 2/24/2009