This came up on a posting on FaceBook today and got me thinking. We all know what happens when I start to think… So, I shared some thoughts on altruism – this is my own ramblings… Take it with a grain of salt! I am not one to preach or say how it is. I only can share my own views and feelings. So, with that… If we ignore our own needs and focus only on the needs of others, we are not being true to ourselves. We are part of all that is – and that includes everything and everyone; all of creation. To not be true to ourselves is to not be true to life and the universe itself. True altruism, to me, is something that needs to be balanced. We must care for and love ourselves. For only then are we capable of truly caring for and loving others. It is not selfishness to focus on oneself and the needs of the self. That does not mean to not strive to care for and love the people and world around us; quite the opposite. Then, many people claiming to be altruistic are doing it out of a need to bolster their own sense of self worth. I feel that true altruism comes from those not seeking recognition or acknowledgment for their actions or deeds. In my very humble opinion, true altruism means to simply act out of love because that is the only way one knows how to act. And if no one knows about it, responds to it, reacts to it, or even notices it… It does not matter and one simply goes on awaiting the next opportunity to sow a seed of love.
Namaste
I have been on Depakote for many months now for seizure control. Since the first seizure last August, I have not felt as stable and the first medication I went on was a complete disaster. Then for awhile it was okay. I always felt dulled or slightly dumbed down on the Depakote and never completely stable. I have been so down these last couple of weeks; an emotional roller coaster, unable to cope with stupid things. I did some digging and discovered that Tylenol (Acetaminophen) often has a negative reaction with Depakote; emotionally. I contracted Herpes Zoster aka Shingles a couple of weeks ago and was having really bad headaches and have been taking Tylenol like mad. Huh… Then, I ran out of Depakote 2 days ago and have not taken any Tylenol either. I have slowly noticed the cloud lifting and am feeling stronger. I have a hard time letting go sometimes. It is an old habit. I cling to crap out of stubbornness/stupidity. I really don’t know why. I have done it all my life. Letting go when I am down and feeling shitty on myself and the world has always been difficult. I beat myself up over and over again trying to pull myself back down into the gutter of self loathing and despair. I don’t know if I can blame it all on the drugs, but it is sure a coincidence that when I got sick and started taking Tylenol for my headaches I took a major emotional dive. Mental note to self… Check with a pharmacist any time I want to take anything with anything else. These drugs will turn your life upside down. I am lucky that circumstances were what they were as I didn’t have an easy way out – I’ll leave it at that…
So, now I am picking up the pieces as it were. I don’t know what to do. I really hate (hate is a strong word and I have for years attempted to remove it form my vocabulary, but in this case it fits) the person I can become when I get down on myself and the world. I become a pathetic, self-deprecating, depressed, lump of turd with a bad attitude. I can’t say I will never get like that again. Every time I think that, I get cracked upside the head and fall flat on my face again. I will be more careful with the drugs I take. I am not sure whether to get back on the Depakote or not… I am really torn… I want to be sane again. I want to feel the joy and excitement of life again. And I really think that the Depakote has diminished my ability to thrive to my fullest. And who knows… Maybe I am just really, really messed up and the drugs have nothing to do with it! I am looking to love to bring peace back, to bring together what I tried to push away. How anyone can love and put up with a shmuck like me, I don’t know… I am the luckiest man alive. There is someone that believes in me. Someone who is possibly more stubborn than me… I hope she knows that even in my darkest hours, there was always one bright spot… Speaking of Bright Spots, this is a poem I wrote 5 or 6 years ago called Bright Spots…
BRIGHT SPOTS
I find myself questioning again
Who is it that I am?
Why, what and how?
Are these firing synapses
Merely random discharges?
Is there reason behind me?
I see sometimes so clearly it scares me
Then it fades to gray
And once again
I am lost to the randomness
of this lost society
I find another bright spot
I reach for it
It is warm and comforting
It is familiar and enriching
Symbiotic in the exchange
Sometimes the brightness grows
Sometimes it moves away
Sometimes it stays
Sometimes it fades out
Tears fill my soul at each
As I realize that it is me
That fades at times
And there is another seeing
Another that cries
Then I awake from “reality”
And look up with arms outstretched
And see all the amazing bright spots
And know that they never really fade
Even when change brings pain
And it seems the light has gone
It is still there watching
We have only to look, see and feel it…
I don’t know why I share it now. I used the term bright spot and I remembered it… Thank you for not giving up – that’s for you and for me… Thank you for being my bright spot.
Update: 9 hours later… My head, heart, soul and being are feeling like my old self again… Well, not completely, but I feel like a totally different person right now than I did even this morning, never mind yesterday or the day before… I am sitting with the mother of catch 22′s… I feel so much more alive and I now have a refill of my medication… Do I start taking it again or not?…. man… I am soooo unsure of the right thing to do… Well off to a movie with my boy and maybe I will write again later. I guess I will see what happens when I get challenged again!
Someday I might get it right. In the interim, I am forced to drag my sorry ass back up and try again. Why is it so hard to get it right? Why is it so easy to fall back into stupid, old patterns that are hurtful, self-destructive and pointless? That’s the real question… I am losing faith in myself. I really do not like who I am becoming more and more of. Part of me really wants to quit and I can’t. And I fear that I will fail completely and lose what has made my world feel right; feel like it makes sense. The one thing that at once makes everything worth it and also so challenging. The most precious gift I could ask for and I abuse it. I know I speak in circles. And not always really expressing what is going on. It’s another bad habit. I feel like I am really slipping. My ability to handle the world around me seems to be fading away more and more. My fuse gets shorter and shorter and it feels harder and harder to able to let the world roll off my shoulders; it all seems to just sit there on my shoulders weighing me down until I crumple under it’s weight. And then I flee. I can’t keep my head straight and the only option I can grasp is to run. To remove myself form the situation. I don’t want to. I just blank out and I can’t think, I can’t discern. I panic and run. Then I sit in the dark feeling lost and alone. I forget how to go home, go to the place that accepts and loves, even in the midst of chaos. It is there. We know it. And I want to be in that place more than anything. I don’t get it. I really, really don’t get it. The gods are angry with me I guess. I have angered something/someone, somewhere and my punishment is the loss of my mind, my ability to be my true self and to follow my true nature; loving, understanding, giving, compassionate… I used to be those. Now they feel like things just at my fingertips, that I just can’t quite grasp anymore; just out of reach. I don’t know…
I am stuck. A product of my shit. And I don’t know how to get out of it or change it. Apologies are moot when we continually do the same things over and over again. When we perpetuate the same stupidity and make the same mistakes. I have done it too much. I thought I could change. I thought I was capable of growing of becoming better and more. Instead I have slipped further and further. I have become more… more of what I try so hard not to be… Stubborn, escapist, prideful, hurtful… I don’t know who I am anymore. And I certainly do not like what I see and what I am becoming more and more of. I am becoming more and more lost. Where I am, what I am and who I am are falling into a dark and cold place that I do not like. There is very little I treasure in this world and I repeatedly cause them pain. By my own stupidity and inability to be clear. I try and I try… And this feeling comes on and a switch goes off and I lose myself completely. I don’t know who I am and I react like a mindless scared child. I have had times where I have been challenged with reacting, but never like this. Maybe they are right. Maybe I am really off my rocker; incompetent and unstable. Well, I seem to be doing a good job of proving it. I feel like I am drifting alone in this big ball. separated from the world. I can see what is going on around me, but I have no control over it. I watch helpless as I fuck things up more and more, worse and worse. I don’t want to hurt people anymore. I don’t want to hurt myself anymore. I don’t know how to change things. How to change my world. To change myself. I am too chicken to jump off a bridge… I am scared and alone. And I have done it to myself. I am at my wits end. I don’t know what to do. I can’t stand my world and I don’t know how to change it except to run. I don’t want to run. Part of me does. Part of me wants to just walk out the door and walk away from the world; disappear. I don’t feel that I add anything of value to the world around me; a lifeless drifter seems a fitting way. There is this giant knot in my chest that feels like it is going to explode. It hurts. It won’t go away. I don’t know what to do… Fuck. I have pushed away anyone who might have cared. I guess we get what we deserve, what we bring upon ourselves; at least I can accept responsibility for what I have brought upon myself.
I have not been sleeping well. This morning, I just couldn’t force myself back to sleep and decided to just grab the proverbial pen and let loose. I took a hot bath before bed tonight and the words were all there so clearly… Now I can’t seem to grasp them. Then I went to sleep-ish… Been waking up all through the night again. I have not written in awhile again. This isn’t the place I had hoped it would be for me… These last couple of days have been challenging and yet I don’t feel as down as I have let myself get recently. And I got pretty down recently. Not a place I like or want to be. And I decided that letting the people in my life effect me like that, letting others peoples “issues” become mine is not a healthy place to be for me (I figured it out again – we shall see how many more times it takes before I finally let it really sink in and live it). Why is it so easy to take things so personally? I know better. I know it is not me and yet over and over again I allow what others are experiencing negatively effect me. I know it is a human condition. I also know when I am doing it and so often I still allow myself to get wrapped up in it and lost in it; unable to separate myself. Stupid…
So, although I think that I am not doing that right now, I really am. I mean, I am sitting awake at 3:30 in the morning and I am not a chipper ball of fun 
I am not down per se, but I am not really happy either.
I don’t really have anything to say… Or at least I am not sitting here with an agenda. My days of having words of wisdom to share I think are done. It is not my place to offer advice or to suggest how anyone should act/be/live… It is a bit hypocritical to offer to others when I myself am not capable of living what I preach. So, instead I will just rant 
Babble forth what ever comes out. I need to vent. Not that this is the place for it… The question that has me so perplexed right now is “why is it so hard to do what you feel is right?” When it becomes so challenging, does it mean that it really isn’t right? OR is it testing myself and my resolve to be able to follow what I feel without allowing the outside world to influence me… It is a big stupid mind game and there is no way to tell… Then again, it is possible that I have lost my ability to discern what feels right from what I “think” feels right. Hell, it is probable. So, maybe it is not really what feels right, but it is something I have stuck in my head that my mind wants to believe feels right. lol… I really can get caught up in silly mind trips… Truly, I am not battling it out like that… I am merely saying how easy it is to play mind games. I must choose and go forth and follow my choices and embrace them. Sure beats wasting time head tripping over it all.
And then so many people around me are heck bent on telling me what is the “right” thing for me to do. Trying to make decisions for me and push me towards what they think is the what I should do. Like I am not capable of choosing my own path and deciding what is “right” for me. If I choose a path that is challenging and that at some point I say was maybe not the best choice; that is my right (get it?! I love words My right… It is my right to choose; it is right for me and I am allowed to make those choices; be they mistakes or not. Right and wrong are judgements. We all decide for ourselves what is right and what is wrong and in this world we are so stuck in telling others and wanting others to follow our versions of right and wrong. If I decide to do something monumentally stupid; I don’t know.. an example… say, stop taking my medication and go for a trip to climb Mount Everest. Maybe you see that as the wrong thing to do. Well, for me, it is the right thing to do. At that time any way Maybe later I will change my perspective and say, yeah, that was stupid! But hey, that is my right! It is not my job to tell anyone what they should and should not do. I am entitled to say, I don’t agree with what you are doing. But that is it. If I am asked what I think, then I will probably tell you. Although, I have never been big on telling others what to do. It just isn’t my place and I have always felt weird about it. And usually when I fall into telling someone what I think they should do, I always looked back and said to myself what a dumbass I was… So, in recent times (a couple specific ones I can think of) I have prefaced what I say with; don’t listen to what I say. It’s my opinion and it means nothing. Choose what you feel is right for you. If it were me, I would choose x. But I am not you and I am the last person to be telling anyone how to live their life. Right and wrong, good and bad… Funny things they are… I will keep it to myself what I think is right and wrong… And I will make my own choices and I will live with what they bring…
The dictionary defines hope as: “1 : to cherish a desire with anticipation”. For me it is something bigger and has become something much bigger than even that. It is a belief in something bigger than me. That something that lies deep within me, giving me just enough strength to carry on and allows me to see the light that I know is there. It is the sustenance of my being. And ties, no, weaves within Faith; which is defined as: “firm belief in something for which there is no proof”. Which again, for me, is something much bigger than that. That something that is so much bigger than me. It is that something that is what “us” is made of, created from and is part of. And both of these have been given to me, reawakened within me, once again; in amazing strength and power. I was allowing myself to lose them. To get lost in the stubborn and often self-destructive humanness, that for so long I have tried to subdue, diminish, turn off and get away from. It is not an easy path that has been chosen. In fact, it is the most challenging path I have ever taken and it is also the most powerfully fulfilling, enriching, beautiful, magical and soul enveloping. It has taught me lifetimes worth of things about myself, about others and about the true meaning of hope, faith and love. When we allow them to have free reign within us, they ARE indestructible and they are able to overcome any obstacle. That’s not the right way to put it. It is not just overcoming; it is a healing from deep within. It is allowing the love of another as one with the love within and the love for another to all come together to caress our souls and wrap us in the truth of that something that is so much bigger than the individual… To say I am blessed seems to diminish where I look from right now. That human in me still does not feel worthy and is still so sad for my actions. It will take time I suppose… And the joy of connection, of hope, faith and belief in the true meaning, power and beauty of love are coursing through my being and my human. “Us” is truly unconquerable. There is something so much bigger than me and it is made of love; a love that transcends any type of definition or description. That something is my strength again to try with all I have and to love all the facets of the individual; not necessarily like them, but love them and honor them. For as an angel, my angel, said to me recently; in honoring our humanness as well as our being, we honor that something; the “Us”. My gratitude cannot be expressed enough as I step forward with renewed strength and resolve. Thank you.
Namaste
I was woken up at 7am by the band upstairs playing. Luckily they’re two floors up and my ear plugs did the trick, mostly. I got up and went for a run, hoping to clear out some more and it seems that it only brought up more. As I peel away the layers, to use that cheesy cliche, like an onion, there is more and more. I came back to the piano and went outside to eat and sit in the hot tub. An hour in the hot tub peeled more and more away… One of my biggest problems in life has been feeling able to express myself to release the things that bother me, make me angry, sad, whatever… I’ve always felt that whenever I do that, it makes things worse as it feels like it gets pushed back and then I re-absorb it and then it builds inside and eventually, like a pressure cooker, the steam has to go somewhere… That’s when my ugliness comes out, my stupid, egoic humanness. That’s not an excuse by any means; in fact, it makes it worse because instead of just expressing myself, I put it upon myself to release it internally and it’s never worked and it never will. It’s my own damn issue. I know that. It is me that creates the barrier and imagines a problem before it even exists. So, like all good self-fulfilling prophecies, a problem sometimes arises. I need to learn to just express what I am feeling, but sometimes I don’t know what exactly it is… Just sensations that have no connection to anything, at least right then. I process slowly and as I slowly sort through things, clarity slowly shows itself through the fog of my slowness. So, sometimes I talk in stream of thoughts and that usually drives everyone crazy. People look at me like I am crackers asking me what the hell am I talking about?! It’s like how I write. I jump around from one thought to another. They may not seem to fit, but somewhere within me, they do. That’s how I work. I sit here twisting within not wanting to write. I know how I would sometimes react when confronted with someone telling me what they think and feel about something. That’s the other ironic angle… I do the same fucking thing… Someone will tell me what they are feeling and immediately, I will try to rebut it or defend it or explain it or whatever… There have been times when I have been able to just listen and that works so much better… Just listen… Why is that so hard? Why do I internalize so much? I know part is that it mirrors my own shit. And believe me. I have a lot of shit. I really am a fucked up individual, with moments of lucidity and light. I see myself as this divine, bright, light of a being, shrouded in this scared, scarred, impetuous, stupid, ego-driven humanness. I keep trying to push that humanness aside, to just be that being because that being sees the beauty and joy and love and expresses it and shares it so effortlessly. Beneath this self-contempt is so much more; anger, hurt, frustration and even betrayal. I feel like no matter what I do I can’t show enough love – in so many places in my world. I feel like I have to try to force love, when it feels so often love only want to run away from me. There are so many emotions going through my humanness. I don’t know how to heal. How to get back to the whole person I used to be. I feel alone, with moments of that magic connecting and easing all of me. There is no one to talk with, to share with, to lean on, to look with. Except this computer screen… The thought of going on without that connection; spiritually and physically is numbing and sorrowfying (that’s my new word for today)… and within it all is this love that shines brighter than anything I can describe, this love that makes it all okay, that makes me want to go on, to not give up. That makes me believe in infinite possibility… Believe… Hope… Love…
I feel lighter… Something shifted somewhere. maybe it was the not so subtle reminder to to stop and shift… Thank you. I got to working on a song I finished recently called Gaze Within. Some minor tweaking, volume adjustments, little tweaks and such. It felt good and reminded me of the joy that created it. Song writing for me has always been a special place. I love that feeling of inspiration and creating. And since I was blessed with an inspiration that is indescribable, and an inspiration that has brought everything to a new and sacred place; you. This song comes from such an inspired place. A sacred place for me. One that I don’t have words for. It brought back that feeling and reminded me of that sacred place and brought me back there. Thank you. Again. I even started working on the new song some more. Not a lot of progress, but some and that is more than I have had for too long. And, I am tired, so music is hard to wrap myself around when I am tired. It’s part of my lifes irony
So, with that, I will go to sleep. And, tonight I will go to sleep with a heart that reaches out with hope and love and not one that that’s succumbed to darkness… I hope the song soothes and reminds you of the light and the joy that is. Good night, sweetest dreams. Thank you
Fires will not release me… I lay in the hottest bath I could stand. Nearly scalding with my head partially submerged, the pounding of my heart the only sound; like marching soldiers. VIsions of wars past flashed through me and I watched people commit atrocity after atrocity; from ancient roman times, to tribal Indian times, the Korean war, wars that had no name, even a priest greedily sacrificing a helpless victim… It was me committing each of these acts. Gleefully killing… The water was fire around me and I wouldn’t let myself go… Pounding heartbeat… Wanting to get out but I wanted to burn away the pain, the self-contempt, the hurt, the sorrow, the loneliness… Soon the water was to tepid and I drained it to fill it with even hotter water. My body was burning from the outside in. The water burning my skin. My heart pounding harder. It was getting hard to breath. I kept talking to myself to try to tell myself what to focus on or what to do or not do and then I would tell myself it is only a lie, do not listen. Pounding heartbeat… It was painful, it hurt to lay there; it was so hot and I knew I had to stay. I felt trapped in there, the water closing in on me only feeling hotter and hotter. I saw flames, I felt my flesh melt away. I kept praying for release… I saw visions of a dream I had when I was very little; a recurring dream in which I was laying on a table in a basement with a light over me and a beating sound like a heartbeat and then there was someone coming down the stairs. I always woke up before I saw who it was. I was inside that dream, hoping that I would finally be able to face that person coming down the stairs. That I could conquer that terror from so long ago. Pounding heartbeat… I kept waiting to fall into another place, to drift away form everything. To escape the heat and pain. There was nothing. Only the heat closing in on me, restricting me, tighter and tighter, like i was in a coffin of burning water. No reprieve, no release. Just a pounding heartbeat… I lay in there for over an hour… I am going to do this again… And go hotter. Try to get the heat to suck out the vile putridness that has invaded my being.
Then that fucking piano upstairs… My god, I am going insane. It is time to go…
I came into the room I stay in, hoping for a text or a message from you and nothing but silence again… That deafening silence… Which is truly the best descriptor, it fills me with loss and aloneness with such force. I don’t even know what to say anymore. I feel life slipping away and still that something back there cries for hope, will not give up or give in. I know what is within my heart of hearts, I know that it is stronger than I am. Which isn’t saying much… I am weak, scared and… There is something much bigger than me and you at work. Something that goes beyond what you and I are that is brilliant, unbreakable, radiant and all-loving – it is what us is part of and I know this as much as I know you know it. So why is it so hard? Why is there so much pain?
Dream: 5.6.2010 – Morning Dream
What a weird and long dream. I only remember bits and pieces… Most of it seems meaningless but the ending echoes in my mind. The first part I remeber is being in a car with a couple of guys, one I knew as my old real estate agent. The guy in the front gave us a hug and said in a month I’ll get you guys new mountain bikes; he was excited to say it. It had stated snowing really hard; like alost blizzard hard and it was May. We were all moaning about it and I said, maybe in a month we could actually use it. We drove to this house and there was a party for some kids going on; they were all 10-ish. One of the kids was talking with an older guest and they were talking about more serious life things; drugs and other pressures he faced. The guest was questioning the kid very openly and the kid answered very candidly. The kid was adopted. I went over there to tell them to keep it down before the adults hear them. They would not like them talking about things like that in front of the other kids. I said I don’t care what you talk about; it’s good to talk about things and to be open. But the other adults will have issues with it. I was to late though. Two of the adults came over and started grilling the kid. He was sitting behind a desk in a corner and I looked around and there were dozens of people all around. I said “Jesus, you have an army against this kid. Lighten up on him. How can he feel safe when you are all on him?” It turned out two rows of people were only there to usher people to somewhere else. And only a couple of the adults were actually talk ing to the kid; they were still being harsh on him though. I walked through the two lines of people to leave and asked someone how to get upstairs. They pointed to a doorway, which I thought was an elevator. I went through this door and it was a stairway. A really weird stairway; the walls were at all strange angles and a couple of times I had to twist my way through. But I liked this stairway; I said that this is the kind of place I like. at one point I even floated up part way. I kept going up and at some point I got to a penthouse type area. The last part of the stairway was holding onto my shirt in a weird staticy way making it hard to get al the way up. When I got myself to the top, the guys I was with were there with a stripper. She was Japanese and was giving one of the guys a neck massage. Suddenly there were people coming after us and we all started running. We were running then along a roof top and it was a cartoon scene out of the Simpsons. It was snowing still and the roof was covered in snow. We got to the edge of the building and the guys and girl all jumped off the roof onto this cloud. I hesitated and then jumped on too. Then the cloud started drifting away and the whole cloud scene seemed like the Nativity set. There was even a camel there. A little boy was talking/singing with Ned Flanders (from the Simpsons) on the front of the manger, which was much bigger. It was like a big Simpsons Broadway musical. Ned was singing in this high pitched voice and was sweeping and he same these lines as the cloud drifted, literally into the sunset:
“Our life must be to make belief…
We must see it differently…”
And then I woke up…
