I have not been sleeping well. This morning, I just couldn’t force myself back to sleep and decided to just grab the proverbial pen and let loose. I took a hot bath before bed tonight and the words were all there so clearly… Now I can’t seem to grasp them. Then I went to sleep-ish… Been waking up all through the night again. I have not written in awhile again. This isn’t the place I had hoped it would be for me… These last couple of days have been challenging and yet I don’t feel as down as I have let myself get recently. And I got pretty down recently. Not a place I like or want to be. And I decided that letting the people in my life effect me like that, letting others peoples “issues” become mine is not a healthy place to be for me (I figured it out again – we shall see how many more times it takes before I finally let it really sink in and live it). Why is it so easy to take things so personally? I know better. I know it is not me and yet over and over again I allow what others are experiencing to negatively effect me. I know it is a human condition. I also know when I am doing it and so often I still allow myself to get wrapped up in it and lost in it; unable to separate myself. Stupid…
So, although I think that I am not doing that right now, I really am. I mean, I am sitting awake at 3:30 in the morning and I am not a chipper ball of fun :P I am not down per se, but I am not really happy either.
I don’t really have anything to say… Or at least I am not sitting here with an agenda. My days of having words of wisdom to share I think are done. It is not my place to offer advice or to suggest how anyone should act/be/live… It is a bit hypocritical to offer to others when I myself am not capable of living what I preach. So, instead I will just rant :) Babble forth what ever comes out. I need to vent. Not that this is the place for it… The question that has me so perplexed right now is “why is it so hard to do what you feel is right?” When it becomes so challenging, does it mean that it really isn’t right? OR is it testing myself and my resolve to be able to follow what I feel without allowing the outside world to influence me… It is a big stupid mind game and there is no way to tell… Then again, it is possible that I have lost my ability to discern what feels right from what I “think” feels right. Hell, it is probable. So, maybe it is not really what feels right, but it is something I have stuck in my head that my mind wants to believe feels right. lol… I really can get caught up in silly mind trips… Truly, I am not battling it out like that… I am merely saying how easy it is to play mind games. I must choose and go forth and follow my choices and embrace them. Sure beats wasting time head tripping over it all.
And then so many people around me are heck bent on telling me what is the “right” thing for me to do. Trying to make decisions for me and push me towards what they think is the what I should do. Like I am not capable of choosing my own path and deciding what is “right” for me. If I choose a path that is challenging and that at some point I say was maybe not the best choice; that is my right (get it?! I love words :) My right… It is my right to choose; it is right for me and I am allowed to make those choices; be they mistakes or not. Right and wrong are judgements. We all decide for ourselves what is right and what is wrong and in this world we are so stuck in telling others and wanting others to follow our versions of right and wrong. If I decide to do something monumentally stupid; I don’t know.. an example… say, stop taking my medication and go for a trip to climb Mount Everest. Maybe you see that as the wrong thing to do. Well, for me, it is the right thing to do. At that time any way :P Maybe later I will change my perspective and say, yeah, that was stupid! But hey, that is my right! It is not my job to tell anyone what they should and should not do. I am entitled to say, I don’t agree with what you are doing. But that is it. If I am asked what I think, then I will probably tell you. Although, I have never been big on telling others what to do. It just isn’t my place and I have always felt weird about it. And usually when I fall into telling someone what I think they should do, I always looked back and said to myself what a dumb-ass I was… So, in recent times (a couple specific ones I can think of) I have prefaced what I say with; don’t listen to what I say. It’s my opinion and it means nothing. Choose what you feel is right for you. If it were me, I would choose x. But I am not you and I am the last person to be telling anyone how to live their life. Right and wrong, good and bad… Funny things they are… I will keep it to myself what I think is right and wrong… And I will make my own choices and I will live with what they bring…