Someday I might get it right. In the interim, I am forced to drag my sorry ass back up and try again. Why is it so hard to get it right? Why is it so easy to fall back into stupid, old patterns that are hurtful, self-destructive and pointless? That’s the real question… I am losing faith in myself. I really do not like who I am becoming more and more of. Part of me really wants to quit and I can’t. And I fear that I will fail completely and lose what has made my world feel right; feel like it makes sense. The one thing that at once makes everything worth it and also so challenging. The most precious gift I could ask for and I abuse it. I know I speak in circles. And not always really expressing what is going on. It’s another bad habit. I feel like I am really slipping. My ability to handle the world around me seems to be fading away more and more. My fuse gets shorter and shorter and it feels harder and harder to able to let the world roll off my shoulders; it all seems to just sit there on my shoulders weighing me down until I crumple under it’s weight. And then I flee. I can’t keep my head straight and the only option I can grasp is to run. To remove myself form the situation. I don’t want to. I just blank out and I can’t think, I can’t discern. I panic and run. Then I sit in the dark feeling lost and alone. I forget how to go home, go to the place that accepts and loves, even in the midst of chaos. It is there. We know it. And I want to be in that place more than anything. I don’t get it. I really, really don’t get it. The gods are angry with me I guess. I have angered something/someone, somewhere and my punishment is the loss of my mind, my ability to be my true self and to follow my true nature; loving, understanding, giving, compassionate… I used to be those. Now they feel like things just at my fingertips, that I just can’t quite grasp anymore; just out of reach. I don’t know…