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I had to take a moment, leave my list of things to do and share my morning… I had a Doctor appointment this morning. It was my follow up on my cholesterol. When I first got the stroke (of luck), my LDL’s (the bad cholesterol) was at 274 – this is documented. My other levels were good. Back in May, my doctors wanted me to go on cholesterol medications and wrote out a prescription. I got the prescription and then decided that it did not feel right to me. At that time, I was in the Doctors office once a week, so at my next appointment, I told the Doctor that I did not want to take that medication. She did not like that, but we came to an agreement that after 3 months, if my LDL’s did not get within normal range (100) that I would get on medication; I agreed. The Doctors premise was that for just the LDL’s to be that high and everything else to be perfect meant that it was hereditary and that diet would not do anything to fix it. What I left out was that diet was only a small piece of my intention! I knew I could fix it. I have been fairly consitent with the 3-6-9 oil (flax blend) and an herbal suppliment that is for arteriol health since May, but that is a small piece.
I knew, in my core being, that I would not need to go on medication and this morning, I proved to myself that I AM powerful and in charge! My LDL’s were at 106! The Doctor and the Nurse practitioner were floored. Honestly, I had a tinge of hesitancy going in this morning. Only a tinge, and my inner voice said all will be great. But still, that little tinge said, what if it isn’t better? And I let it go.. and it was better than great!
Wow, and to add to the day… Walking home from the doctors, I let my mind wander a lot, as I take in the beautiful gardens around town. I saw a large green yard and thought about a friend telling me the story of how she manifested $100 while sitting with a friend in the park. She said she couldn’t do it and he said, but you can! Look under your foot.. and there was a $100 bill 
I said to myself, I want to find a $100! And then I laughed and said my energy is focused on selling my excess stuff, but $100 would be nice. So, of course, being the Human Being that I am, I am watching the ground the rest of the way home 
No $.. oh well. I made my lunch and turned on the computer to check my email. Sitting in my inbox, I swear to god! Is a donation of $100!!! I about crapped myself, laughing and crying…
We ARE powerful beings. We have no limits except those we put upon ourselves. Do not believe, do not hope or dream or think… KNOW that power you have. It is within us all. My text quote to “the group” today was:
“Are you aware how powerful you are now?”
Yes, I am and I am full of gratitude and wonder. May you all know your power and live your dream, because reality is just part of that dream 
Originally Posted: 9/8/2008
I have been too busy. I do not like busy right now. My head starts swimming. Well, this is probably going to be a bitch session… I will attempt to make it more substantial than that though. It was really nice to have my mom and sister and nephew visit. Maybe a bit too long though. Maggie does not do well with family around for any length of time and the tension in the house became palpable. Not one sided, but it was there. I am starting to feel more and more pressure to be “better” so I can do this and do that… I don’t know why; I think it is all just me and my perception, but sometimes I really feel like I am not ok as I am right now, that I am supposed to be ok. A sense that… hmm… I have days that I feel better. Then I sit at the coffee shop for 4 hours and it wipes me out. I hide it well. I enjoy the time i get with my son. There are times all I want to do is go upstairs and sleep. I want to hide and shut out. It’s not a depression thing… just a, man, this day wiped me out thing.
This medication I am on is not settling well either. I am starting to feel dumbed down. Almost a lethargy, but not quite. It is like I am just dulled a bit – the feeling is subsiding the longer I take it, but there is definitely an undercurrent that is different. I can feel it and I do not like it. I feel less stable – balance wise too. Well, doc appt today, I will contend with it then.
I am not totally happy with them. There is not any openness to homeopathic options. It is this drug or nothing… I think I may need to seek alternate advice.
I am teetering… on the brink of so much and as I think about where I am and where I am going and what is happening, i keep getting caught up in my head… how am I? how can I? what am I? how will I? Yet, still I have the sense of… urgency? I need to do now and not keep waiting. I need to stop vacillating and “thinking”. I feel what must be done and I know in my deepest parts, in my core being that it is for the best. Yet, I continue to find reasons to wait, to postpone. It is a lot; fear. But aside from that, I want it to be right. It needs to be handled in the right way. Sounds SoOoOOOo foreboding… lol… (hear the music? Dun, da dun dun, DAAAAAA!) we are such silly creatures us human beings… we allow ourselves to get so caught up in the drama of life – of our “situations”, our stories. This is not a big deal in the scheme of things. My head seems to be more stuck in an egoic state lately. They tell me it is normal to feel depressed and down and more emotional… Does that mean that I have to subscribe to their views? To their ways of dealing with these things? I am not what people tell me I am. I am what I choose to be.
Originally Posted: 6/11/2008
A new day shines upon us. Moving closer. Wibble… (That is my personal acronym for What Will Be Will Be). I feel these tinges of fear still; a sense of what if… What if’s drive me nuts. I know they are a figment of my ego and have no bearing on anything and are merely the egos way of staying strong and alive. I know this. Still, there are these tinges; and the mental movies start… I am the mental movie king! Playing scenarios and pondering this aspect and that… it is ALL in my head – it does not exist, yet I continue to bring life to it. At least I am not bringing anxiety with it now. I used to allow these mental movies to get me tense and worked up. Now they are just silly mind games. The fear is merely that doubt, the doubt that things can work out – but I know they will. I know it will all be perfect and for the greatest good of all – I feel it, nay, I know it. KNOW.
It is all part of the re-creation of me. Let me dig into that. I am. Right now, I have no labels and that is weird, but beautiful. The re-creation of me, is bringing some labels back, but this time, they will be aspects of me and not me. I will leave the identification behind. One step at a time and all will be as it needs to be. Scary and exciting. I was talking with a friend of my sons mom the other day; she was reading A New Earth, by Eckhart Tolle and we got talking about my experience. I told her how I have set aside all that I thought I was – musician, guitarist, song writer, etc. – I want to add something to that though. Although there was definitely a lot of identification with those labels, music truly was an integral part of me – I loved it, I enjoyed it and there were many aspects that were not egoically driven – it was a way that I could express myself. I digress… she stated something that I have tossed around a lot recently although in different words and it really struck me (again). She said, it is like God gave me a thwap upside the head and said you are not doing what you are supposed to be doing. It is time; time to follow your heart, what is right for you. I am not saying that music is not part of my path. Maybe it is and maybe it isn’t. Time will tell. But She was so right on. I was living based upon others views and ideas of what my life was supposed to be/do/etc.
This is my wake up call and when I take the steps that I need to take, it will all become more clear and I will be able to move forward – for the greatest good of all – that is the beautiful and amazing part.
I am blessed in so many, many ways. Thank you. I am so very grateful.
Originally Posted: 5/30/2008
I am sad. Nothing really specific. I just am in this state of bordering on melancholy; emotional. So much has changed, so quickly. I feel like I have let people down. Let myself down. I know that is not the case; but I still have a sense of that. Where do I go from here? I tried to listen to music again today and it is physically painful. It makes my ears hurt. I even asked my son to stop singing a song… It was so hard to listen to. I don’t ever want to tell someone to not make music… It has been a long day and too busy. I keep thinking that everything is getting back to normal and that I am fine… then I feel like I feel now and I know that everything is not fine. So what to do… So much to do and my motivation is dwindling. I feel so much pressure to be, to do, to this and that… That is my issue, not theirs. I know that – old habits die hard I guess. Or rather old perceptions die hard. I want to focus on me and I want to do it without feeling like I am doing something wrong. Is there something wrong with that? When I feel like my world has been turned upside down and I hurt and I am tired; I want to… ah heck; I sound like I am feeling sorry for myself… I am not; but I sure as hell sound like it I am just feeling down today. And that is ok. That is how I feel… I am allowing myself to feel however I feel. It is not wrong. It just is… And on I go…
Originally Posted: 5/23/2008
I have been having a wide variety of very vivid dreams recently and there seems to me to be some underlying content in those. I feel strongly that everything we create in our life has purpose. As my son said, “there are no accidents…” What then would the purpose be for me to create a stroke for myself? well, there are many, many reasons, but as of right now, I think the biggest point is fear. This experience is allowing me the space to confront many fears. The pattern is almost slapping me aside the head and screaming PAY ATTENTION!
Fears… we all have them and even when we think we don’t… They are there; it is part of our existance – overcoming to further our growth. I am a perfect example. I did not think that I had any significant fears. I know I have many aspects that need attention; how is that for a nice way to put it ) There is so much to learn and to experience and to grow into. I am very aware that I am not perfect and I will tell you emphatically, I do not want perfection. I do strive to learn and grow from my experiences and I am not always up to the task. I am working on it. I am aware enough to know that I am perfect with all of my flaws and foibles. There is a difference you see, between perfect and perfection. We are all perfect, just as we are. With all of our idiosyncrasies, all of our mistakes, all of our “imperfections”, all of our faults, with all of the things we wish we did differently or thought differently. It is, and we are perfect as we are. Yes, there is room for growth and room to change and to learn, but that is all part of being perfect! So, perfection… do I strive for perfection? No, perfection is an ego based, self inflating destination. It implies that something is wrong with us now. I choose to be perfect as I am, to strive to learn as much as I can and to share as much as I can, to accept, to be.
Fears… yes, I have fears. I am not ready to go into detail about them here, but I am now acutely aware of these fears that have been hiding in my shadows. I am almost ready to meet them face to face. It all ties in with Franz’ New Groove. Following my inner joy, my inner light, my trueness, my “IS”. I am not completely sure of what form this will take, but I know that I am ready, well, as ready as I think I will ever be. I ask anyone that is reading this, that is near, to please be patient as I sort through this. As I come to terms with who I am, what I want and the decisions that I will be making. You know. It is funny, that it seems so IMPENDING!!! But it is not like that at all. I guess the point I am trying to make is that we all have decisions to make, every day and most of the time, we put labels on those; I “have” to do this, I “should” do that, I “need” to do this. Where is the I choose to do this? Why do we allow the outside world to run our lives. Why do we not live for creating joy within our own lives? Where is our choice? Yes, we are still choosing, but we are allowing outside influences to come before ourselves and our own joy. That is all that I am saying. I am going to be a conscious observer and make conscious decisions, based upon what feels right and not based upon some factors that the world around me says it “should, needs to, must be, have to, etc’s”. I guess that can sound selfish, and once again, if that is how you choose to view it, then that is your choice and that is ok. That is not the space that I feel like I am coming from.
Along with the dreams, I have picked out Tarot cards for myself a few times and they have been overwhelmingly dark. Now, that is my perspective and my view of them, but they have been geared towards heavier states of being as opposed to lighter states of being. Not that they are bad cards, because there are no bad cards. I have been pondering these sign posts as it were and they, scream, yes, scream to me, that I am coming to face my fears. That this experience is partly here to push towards facing this part of myself that I have not seen clearly before. I want to approach things from a state of light, so that I when I make decisions I will be able to create positive paths that are for the greater good of all. That is a line that was shared with me recently “for the greater god of all involved”. I ask the universe, I ask myself, help me to find the path that will be for the greater good of all.
With love, gratitude and the hope that you too may find and follow your bliss.
Originally Posted: 5/19/2008
I have been thinking a lot about my new perspectives; specifically, my sensitivity to sound. I find it very interesting that the area that is most affected is the area that I before felt the most attached to; my hearing. That is the key I think… “Attached to”. Prior to this experience that thought of not having music in my life was unthinkable. Interesting don’t you think? I think so I am exploring this. Not so much thinking about it, but being with it. Allowing it to be what it is. But I cannot help but think a bit! It is in my nature to conceptualize, ponder and chew the fat over things like this. I aim to find a balance between pondering it and being with it. A dear friend and I were speaking and he theorized that it is possibly an opening and not a closing. An expansion, not a closure. Interesting; my mom thinks the same thing. Well, be that as it may and as I come to fully be with it, it will come together perfectly.
Originally Posted: 5/16/2008
