The Stroke – An Experience

mri scan of my brain after the rmca stroke

On April 28th, 2008 I experienced a large RMCA (Right Medial Cerebral Artery) Stroke that took out a significant part of my right hemisphere. The image shows the damage that occurred as white “blotches”. The white areas are tissue that died due to lack of oxygen caused by the blocked artery.  There are many ways to look at it, to judge it,label it, etc. Here is my perspective on what it means to me and what I have gotten out of the experience.

Hi I sit here now, writing this, when according to those “in the know”, I should not be. Full of gratitude. That is where I am, right now. It is beautiful and glorious and I am breathing it in with every ounce of my being. I have made a shift, that goes along nicely with the perceptual shift that I experience as my “reality” these days. I am hesitant to talk about the background as I do not want the premise of this to be one of pity, or of, “oh, poor me”, or of, “hey, look at me”, I am special because I am “this” or I am “That”. That is not the space I am coming from. I suppose it would be beneficial to explain some of what I have experienced. Please take it as background information and as I mean it; strictly as a means of sharing experience. We all arrive in our own way, in our own time and it is absolutely perfect! I am arriving in my own way and the amazingness of it all fills me with an incredible sense of love and completeness to the point of tears of joy and wonder. Grateful…

I want to add a little bit to preface this entry. This paragraph here is coming out of statements that are much later. Actually, this is an edit of thoughts that I have expressed differently now. I feel inclined to state that everything I write here is for me. It is very open, honest and from my perspective. Anyone reading this is entitled to take it any way they want to. I will attempt to explain it as well as I can. Please take it for what it is and as is; is as you want to. It is for me and in that, you, the reader are responsible for your own reactions and feelings towards it. Be blessed and be well…

A couple of weeks ago and change, I experienced a “Strong rMCA stroke”. It wiped out a large section of my right occipital lobe. It was so large that the doctors wonder how I am able to walk or talk. It is not because I am “more special” or “better” or “more than” anyone else. Personally, I think a large part has to do with the fact that I make an effort to change my habits; to change the way I do things – it causes our brains to constantly re-write itself. Whatever the reason, I am very grateful. I do honestly feel that I would truly be ok if it were otherwise. We get the things in life that we need, when we need them; to help us along the path we choose to take. Obviously, I prefer to be able to continue doing the things I did before – play my guitar (more on that later), talk and share and explore with those that I am close to. If my experience were to become debilitating, it would be ok; because I choose for it to be ok. Surrender. What a magnificent word.

The one significant change to my perspective I have noticed, is a feeling; a sensation that things are “different”. There is no auditory, visual or cognitive change in my perceptions or expressions. There is this undercurrent, sensation – “feeling”, that everything is askew; that everything has shifted. Imagine that “reality” is an invisible sphere around you and it shifts slightly – about 33 degrees to the left as near as I can tell. It is a feeling state, not a sensory state. Weird… That is the only word that really describes it. There is no sense of imbalance or dizziness. It’s all just slightly askew… I drove the other day and I didn’t like it. It was weird. I didn’t feel unsafe or like I was endangering anyone or myself, but I didn’t like it. It didn’t feel good to me – it was askew… The doctors did find an inner ear imbalance. It seems that my right inner ear is firing significantly slower than my left ear. It is not a hearing thing, because my hearing is perfect, in both ears. I “shouldn’t” be walking normally and I “should” feel very off balance. Weird… More tests to see what that all means. So far, there is no indication of where the clot came from. My heart checks out great, as do my main arteries in my neck and such. I am in good health. I was running 3-5 days a week prior and had been for 5 months. I eat well, I do not smoke and I only drink very occasionally. Many might ask, “why me”. I ask, “why not sooner”? I say “Thank you for this amazing gift”.

The strongest feeling I have with all of this (what I am taking from all of this), is, as I mentioned, gratitude. More than that though, I have this sense of joy, this sense of what an incredible gift this is. There is a little sense of sadness or melancholy would be a better word, mixed in. Because I am changing. I am leaving behind much of what I thought I was, what I thought I wanted, needed and “should” do, be… I feel that I am moving closer towards my trueness. What feels right for me. Is that selfish? Is that disregarding the people around me? My “responsibilities”? My answer is; “that depends on your perspective”. I am glad, that it is moving slowly though; kind of like me Franz’ new groove I call it! I do everything at my pace now, which is slow by most standards. I walk slowly. I dress slowly. I shower slowly. Shift… One step at a time. All in it’s own time. All perfectly orchestrated for the higher good of all. Surrender.

Surrender. I want to look at this word. It fills me with such feeling and profundity. To me, it is being at peace with the IS. What is… is. That, that is, is, and will always be. It is. It is… perfect. Is. Surrender to what is. Embrace what is. Surrender *sigh* feels good.

My is, is To put words to it, to attempt to articulate my feelings (and) thoughts. Yes, there are thoughts there. Are those ego based? Some are, some just are. And they are all working together to carry me along my beautiful path. This surrender to what is. It is not an absolution. It is more than acceptance. Is, is. My experience of what we term a stroke (what a funny name that is! a stroke of luck eh?! A stroke of genius?!…) It is allowing me the space to solidify the foundation of what is – for me. For my is, is to be. Change is a constant in this physical universe. We create experiences to allow us the space we need to learn what it is we need at that moment. So, right now, my entire existence has shifted. All that I thought I was and that I identified with is changing. Sound… once the light of my life, the center of what I called “me”. Is now painful. Not in a physical sense, but in a feeling sense. Music all sounds and feels like a wash of this high fuzzy sheen that grates on my psyche. The sound of the machinery in the coffee shop pounds on my psyche – it is painful – that part is both physical and on my psyche. Everything sounds different. I can hear it all just fine. IT just sounds different and I do not enjoy it. I have played my electric guitar, my classical guitar and my acoustic guitar and all of them sound too “shiny” – there is the high “sheen”. Imagine a color photograph and it has a super glossy coating on it and you are looking at it under the sun – it has a really distracting sheen over it – that is how everything sounds to me now. I do not want to play my guitar, I do not want to listen to music at all now. Any kind of music; it all sounds “askew” to me. Classical, new age, rock, trance, electronic – it all sounds “wrong” and off. I leave it on at the shop out of habit and to try to cover the sounds of the machinery, but it is all a wash of this shimmery mess that grates my psyche.

For most of my life, I have been “a guitar player”, “a song writer”, a “musician”, a “rock star”. Right now, it all feels very insignificant and even more so, feels askew to me. Follow what feels right. It does not feel right at this moment. Is it permanent? I do not know and with all honesty, I do not care. I do not mean that in not a “not caring” sense because I do care. I love music. I love to create. I love to hear a song come together and come to life. I just am not attached in any way shape or form to how it works out. I am really ok with never playing the guitar again – that sounds weird to me; it doesn’t feel weird though. If you had said to me 3 weeks ago or so, that I identified myself (me, who I am) with a guitarist or musician, I would have said you are crazy. I could have conceded that I could not picture myself without it. Music does not bring me joy right now. “Bring me joy”. Is that selfish to want to only partake in things that bring me joy? If that is your perspective, then yes, if it is not your perspective, than no. I am coming from the perspective of wanting to take care of me. To do the things that feel right for me. I hope that soon I will find the joy in sound again. Until then, I will find joy in other aspects of my reality; my is. That is what I want for me right now. That is what feels right for me, right now. What it will be tomorrow, next week, next month or next year, I do not know. That is ok. The moment is where my attention needs to reside. I feel strongly that as I am ready, the choices will be clear and I will make them. I still feel a kinship to my music, my guitars, but I do not feel an attachment. Meaning that if they are there, that is beautiful and if they are not there, then that is beautiful as well. This is possibly the strangest and most profound experience in my life to date. To really let go of something so ingrained in who I was – at least who I thought I was! For I am. I am. Music, guitars; those are things I do and things I love, but they are not who I am. When I am completely healed, it will be clear and it will be right for me.

Funny how I work. This is my excuse to do what I have wanted and to go in the direction I have wanted. Now, I have an excuse… skipping around… an excuse… that is funny- no really! That is truly funny! Why do we (people, human beings) feel that we need an excuse to justify the things we do, the decisions we make, the things we say. Not working 12 hours a day 6 days a week. I have been doing it, even though I was dreading it and it felt wrong to do it. Now I have an excuse… That is a start to the changes I want to make for me. I intend on arranging myself and my world so that I will follow my inner self. I will follow what feels right for me. I do not know at this moment what that entails. I am at peace with whatever that entails. But WAIT! I am a guitar player! A musician! hehe, wow, what an identity I had created. It is so liberating to let that go. I am. I will, just be. And what that turns out to be is great and perfect. Maybe I will find joy in music again and maybe I won’t. I know that I am not going to make any major decisions right now. They will come to me as I need to make them; of this I am certain. I am a little surprised at how truly at peace I am with the thought of not playing music any more. Something that was so ingrained in me and is now gone – is it really that easy to let go of identity? To leave behind false ideas of self? I never thought that I was identified with my music, but it is as clear as a bell now – what the hell does that mean? “Clear as a bell”? heh… Clear as a cloudless day in the spring in the mountains – I like that. That is my joy. The blossoming trees and flowers. The colors and smells around me are intoxicating and oh so beautiful. I have never seen it like this. It is all so much “more” alive and vibrant. Not literally, just perceptually. Everything feels more alive. Does it make sense? To me it does. It all looks the same, but it all feels so much more. Intensity? No, just feels… more. I walked outside as the sun broke through the clouds yesterday and it brought tears to my eyes. Life. I stood outside a moment and breathed in the universe and it was glorious. Alive. It felt different to me and it felt beautiful in a way I have never before experienced.

I have moments of doubt. Not of my feelings or where they are taking me, but of how to integrate my new perspective, “Franz’ new groove”, into my life. Letting it all go. Letting it all be. Is. Surrender. ah. What bliss. It washes away all doubt. It floods me with simple beauty and peace, joy, harmony.

So, I ask myself; “What about all the other aspects of my life”? My other roles? Father, husband, friend. What about responsibilities? What about job? You have to do this. You have to take care of that. You have to… you are supposed to… And I hear… follow your is. Surrender. What is, is. Change will come and it will come in the form that is for the greater good of everyone, of me. The higher good of all, the higher good of me. So I ask “what does the universe want from me that is for the greatest good of all”? “Use me” I say. I ask; “let me see the path that creates, that beautifies, that brings joy, love and hope to all”. Let me follow the path of my higher purpose, what ever that is and whatever form that takes – is, surrender to what is.

So now I will sit here and be, and the right path will become clear as I need it to. When the time is right to take action, I will. When the time is right to choose, I will. Now, I need to see me as me and not as al the things I and the world have decided I “should”, have”, “need”, “want” to be.

What a gift. Then the mind starts again hehe. I will delve into the mind, because I find it intriguing and someone may want to attempt to make sense of “Franz’ new groove”. Not sure this diversion into “thought” will help, but here we go. The hardest part of this experience so far for me, has been intense energy; energy focused on me and my experience we call a stroke. I understand why it is there and I am grateful for the love that it comes from. Truly I am. Challenging in the aspect that I am finding it difficult to divert any type of intense energy away from myself. In other words, allowing the energy to be without internalizing it. Without judging it, or labeling it, much of the energy feels askew to me; as many things do to me right now. I am not a victim, I am not someone who is “suffering” from this or that, I did not “suffer a stroke”, at least… I do not see it as such. I had an experience. That experience is medically called a stroke. It was not good, it was not bad. It is. I choose to label it a gift, a blessing. The Kaballah says that our created nature is the “will to receive” – in other words – the things that we do are based upon fulfilling a need within ourselves – from fundamental things, like shelter and food, to money, power and even knowledge. It is all based upon the desire to fill us; to fill the need we all feel; to fill the part of us that is seeking, we are all doing it at every moment, wether we choose to acknowledge it or not – the will to receive. We as a species are slowly shifting from this will to receive based way of living to a will to bestow based way. I cringe every time I bring up what I have experienced. I do not want to talk about “my stroke”, because I do not want to internalize the experience. I want to grow from it and maybe in a way, I am fighting part of the experience. As truly, the experience is comprised of all the related aspects. Some energies have been intense with the “intensity”. Sometimes we allow ourselves to experience trueness. My son for example. He blew me away. He said to me, when he came into the emergency room; “Dad, everything happens for a reason, there are no accidents”. And he was there with me. Not “for” me, “with” me. That is the nature of our relationship. We just “are” for each other. No want, desire or need. We share space and it is unconditional, in the very truest definition of unconditional. I have intellectualized the concept of unconditional, but I do not think it is within the average persons grasp (myself included), to really and truly “know” what unconditional is. It is a very worthy aspect to really delve into. One that I can feel from another (and have), but not sure I am able to truly give yet. We got a new kitten this week. My son picked him out at a pet adoption. The kitten is beautiful. When I sit with the kitten, it feels like “is” as well. We just are with each other. I feel no “what am I going to get from this relationship?” There is no expectation. It is unconditional. When I sit with a tree, I look at it and I see it as it is. It does not want or expect anything from me. I with to enter that state with all life, more than ever – to truly be with every form of life I come to be with. To allow them completely and truly to be as they are, without labels, without judgement, without any conditions. To appreciate every form of life and every individual within those forms to be as they are and to not just intellectualize, but to know that they are perfect as they are. A tree does not want. This experience has helped me to see more clearly, to bring me closer to living with the will to bestow. Grateful…

What I would like to impart with anyone reading this, is, a sense of empowerment. Feel it within yourself to know what is right for you and follow that. Our time in this incarnation is relatively short. Why truly would we live any other way? Know that you are perfect and beautiful. Feel the true you and be.

With love and gratitude.

If you want more insight into my experince, please check out the category on Strokes. I will be updating that periodically.

This amuses me so much I had to add it